NCAA tournament brackets and tacos covered in fake salad dressing flavored colorful cocaine powder. Two staples of what America is and stuff. Neither means a damn thing to anyone outside of these borders but within the borders NOTHING ELSE EVEN MATTERS. So, I decided to fill out a bracket with the most reasonable tactic possible, the coin flip, and eat a cool ranch death shit awful taco thing at the SAME DAMN TIME. Here’s what happened. (I took some pictures too!)

Double Dorito flavors because I’m (in Ron Swanson voice) Ca-rayzy.

Before all the madness! (haha get it?)

I was starving so I dove into the taco looking thing first. Now I for one always have issues with my hard shell tacos falling apart on me (especially from Taco Bell) after the first bite, but I was quite surprised when this taco fell apart the second I picked it up. It’s good to see  T-Bell (what cool kids call it) didn’t sacrifice the flimsiness of their shells in the name of fake spice.

After the first bite I realized something amazing had happened. T-Bizzle (what my grandma calls it) had tricked me into giving them 30 more cents for no reason at all, because it had the exact same way too salty beef filling stuff flavor of a normal hard shell taco, and I wasn’t one bit surprised or disappointed. Wow, that’s good business.

Perhaps I’ll use this opportunity to get started on the bracket. First I would like to introduce you to the official coin I used to make my decisions. It is a penny made before anybody reading this was born, and I can only imagine the disgusting places it has been.

Here is the heads side.

1946!

And here is the tails side.

One cent!

For each game the higher seed will be heads, and the lower seed will be tails. In the event of a tie of seeding, whichever team is located higher up on the bracket will be the heads team. There are of course NO RE-FLIPS. I will also be periodically updating my taco adventure throughout ingestion and digestion.

And one last thing before we get into it, I’m both ignoring the play-in games, but also counting each one as it’s own separate round, so all of the regionals are starting in round five, because what other way makes any sense at all?

Midwest Region Round 5

#1 Lousiville vs. #16 N.C A&T/Liberty – Clearly a coin flip shouldn’t be needed in this situation because Liberty is the favorite in this game, granted they win their game in round 1, but that’s why we do this. Result- It’s heads and Louisville pulls the upset!

#8 Colorado State vs. #9 Missouri – Better idea. Let’s turn this into a mascot fight. Rams vs. Tigers. I’m being told I don’t have the resources or sufficient land mass to hold this event so a coin flip it is. Result- Tigers maul Rams.

#5 Oklahoma State vs. #12 Oregon – These schools have basketball teams? Result- Oregon, which will be now referred to as What Is Basketball University

#4 Saint Louis vs. #13 New Mexico State – Without the help of Google, can anybody tell me what a Billiken is? Anybody at all? Result- New Mexico State shares the same mascot as Oklahoma State, but not the same fate as them. They move on!

#6 Memphis vs. #11 winner of round 2 play in game – Seriously, these play-in games are probably more important than the actual tournament, probably. Result- The two play-in teams band together and defeat Memphis! (That’s how it works, right?)

#3 Michigan State vs. #14 Valparaiso – This should be easy for the coin gods. Tom Izzo is the king of March. Result- The flip is tails and Michigan State moves o-WHAT THE FUCK? VALPNOOOOOO

#7 Creighton vs. #10 Cincinnati – Sure to be a real humdinger of a game, or something. Result- Creighton moves on and henceforth shall be known as “Cray”

#2 Duke vs. #15 Albany – Man, how funny would it be if Duke lost to a 15-seed for the second year in a row? I’d probably stop watching the tournament if they did because I would be 100% satisfi-Result- Dammit. Duke survives.

Wow, that was riveting. My cool ranch shit taco extreme is now gone and I’m pretty depressed with my life choices so whatever.

West Region Round 5

#1 Gonzaga vs. #16 Southern U – I don’t know much about Southern, but I imagine the school is located in the south. It wouldn’t surprise me if it wasn’t. Gonzaga is everyone’s pick to lose earlier then they should, but in round one? Pshh, like that’ll happen. Result- The south wins and shall now be known as some word that means laughter for their remainder of the time in the bracket.

#8 Picksburgh vs. #9 Wichita St. – Yeah, it’s technically Pittsburgh, but it’s really Picksburgh. They’re hicks and they talk weird. Result- Which team wins? It’s Wich.

#5 Bo Ryan vs. #12 Marshall Henderson – Man this fight is going to be good. Henderson is wild and unorthodox but Bo Ryan is an expert at sitting on people and being boring and weird and Dracula looking. Result- Bo Ryan wins without throwing a single punch, which sucks.

#4 Kansas State vs. #13 Round 4 play-in game winner- Why does the South Region not have a play-in game, but the Midwest has two. That doesn’t make any oh wait I get it now. Result- Kansas State wins by 100.

#6 Arizona vs. #11 Belmont – Well, this is a boring game. Result- Arizona

#7 Notre Dame vs. #10 Iowa State – Notre Dame has been riding the new pope momentum lately and has changed their name to Pope Francis University. Result- Pope Francis with his biggest win of the year!

#2 Ohio vs. #15 Iona – C’monnnnn Iona. YOU CAN DO THIS! Result- Dammit again. Ohio wins.

That mexican death machine I ate isn’t sitting well. I think i’m allergic to ranch flavored dust.

South Region Round 5

#1 Kansas vs. #16 Western Kentucky – If this was football, it would be a much more even game. Thank god this isn’t football. Result- Kansas wins the coin toss and the game.

#8 North Carolina vs. #9 Villanova – These teams both suck. Result- Nova wins and we all laugh at Carolina.

#5 VCU vs. #12 Akron – Shaka Smart’s VCU Rams are the team nobody wants to play against, and I can only imagine Akron is shaking in their space boots. Result- MORE LIKE SHAKA DUMB! AKRON IS GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT’S UP LEBRON JAMES!

#4 Michigan vs. #13 South Dakota State – Michigan touts the Big Ten P.O.Y in Trey Burke in a matchup against what I can only assume is a team full of white dudes who shoot a lot of threes. Result- The white dudes three point shoot their way to victory!

#6 UCLA vs. #11 Minnesota – UCLA’s best player was seen playing beer pong on the intreweb with his head coach a couple of weeks ago, so he’s totally locked in on this one. Result- Minnesota cruises in spite of Tubby Smith being their coach.

#3 Florida vs. #14 Northwestern State – I like to imagine N.W.S is a tiny little school that is right behind Northwestern and they just sit there waving their NCAA tournament banner all of the time, because Northwestern is the only team from a power conference to never make the big dance. Imagine if they won. Result- Imagine no more! Northwestern State wins and joins the Big Ten immediately!

#7 San Diego State vs. #10 Oklahoma- This region is awful. Result- Technically San Diego State wins, but we all lose.

#2 Georgetown vs. #15 Florida Gulf Coast – I really hope F.G.C wins because I would like to go golfing there one day. It’s a golf course, right? Result- The golf course wins!

My skin has turned a light shade of green after ingesting whatever that thing was. I think that’s a part of the fun though.

East Region Round 5

#1 Indiana vs. #16 Round 3 play-in game winner – This bracket has been pretty un-crazy for a coin-flip bracket. Let’s introduce a little anarchy to the system, eh round 3 champion? Result- Indiana keeps things boring with a win.

#8 N.C State vs. #9 Temple – I know two things about Temple: They play some basketball there and Bill Cosby went there. C’mon team sweaters! Result- All the puddin pops in the world couldn’t stop Temple as they roll.

#5 UNLV vs. #12 California – I’m told that UNLV being a five seed is laughable and Cal is the worst team in the world, so yay. Result- The Rebels are off an runnin’ (ha this is fun!)

#4 Syracuse vs. #13 Montana – You’re telling me people in Montana actually know what basketball is? Bullshit. Syracuse will definitely lose at some point before they should, will it be now? Result- Nope, Syracuse wins and Montana goes back to cowboying or whatever.

#6 Butler vs. #11 Bucknell – Butts vs Bucks. Who’s it gonna be? Result- Brad Stevens celebrates his first facial hair with a tournament victory. Butts win!

#3 Marquette vs. #14 Davidson – Dwayne Wade used to play at Marquette. Steph Curry used to play at Davidson. That’s all I’ve got. Result- Steph Curry wins!

#7 Illinois vs. #10 Colorado – This game is being hailed as the 2013 Punt Bowl and it’s sure to be a dandy and thank the lord this isn’t football. Result- The Illini get ill [shows self out]

#2 Miami vs. #15 Pacific – The Hurricanes are good, but are they good enough to beat an entire ocean? Doubt it. Result- The only thing that can stop an ocean is an oil company, which Miami is not. Pacific crashes the party.

Wow, what an exciting round five! I’m not going to waste any time because I need to finish this before I die of food poisoning.

Midwest Region Round 6

#1 Louisville vs. #9 Missouri – A lot of o’s, s’s, i’s, and u’s in this matchup. This is stupid. Result- Zoo beats Lou

#12 What Is Basketball vs. #13 New Mexico State – I wonder how Oregon’s spring practices are? Did you see they just released their depth chart? I miss Chip Kelly. Result- No fans? No problem. W.I.B? University moves on.

#11 Stupid play-in winner vs. #14 ValpNOOO – The Valping Valps are riding high off of their first round upset of Tom Izzo’s Spartans who have somehow advanced to the final four already. Result- ValpNOPROBLEM Cinderella keeps dancing.

#2 Duke vs. #7 Cray – If Cray wins this match they will be upgraded to Cray!! Result- Cray!!

I think I’m feeling better now.

West Region Round 6

#16 HAHA vs. #9 Wichita State – Can the HAHA’s keep things funny and earn themselves a new team name? Result- LULZ! They’ve done it!

#5 Bo Ryan vs. #4 Kansas State – Ever watch a toothbrush wrestle a hammock? It’s more exciting than this game will be. Result- Kansas State rolls 3-2

#6 Arizona vs. #3 New Mexico – This southeastern mashup is sure to be spicy and full of flavor. Taco Bell fucking sucks. Result- The Lobos go loco on Arizona.

#7 Pope Francis vs. #2 Ohio – I hope they both lose. Result- That new pope smell has worn off and things get real musty as Ohio advances much to Brady Hoke’s Chagrin (he really doesn’t care, he’s off eating something, somewhere.)

I’m not fine. Send help please.

South Region Round 6

#1 Kansas vs. #9 Villanova – Isn’t it the University of Kansas? Why the hell do they go by K.U? That’s stupid. Result- Rock Chalk Stupid Damn Coin! Dyslexic Kansas wins.

#12 Akron vs. #13 White three point shooters – I hope I’m not being racist against my own race with my assumptions about South Dakota State. Having never seen them play I still somehow know I’m right about their team makeup. Anyways. Result- Akron keeps proving LeBron James wrong, or something like that. Whatever. Narratives.

#11 Minnesota vs. #14 Better than Northwestern – A matchup of the newest B1G member Northwestern State and the team that everybody always forgets when they try to list off all of the B1G teams. This game is hopefully being played near a black hole. Result- The Gophers stay Golden, Pony Boy.

#7 San Diego State vs. #15 Florida Golf Course – The golf course has a chip on their shoulder as they try to putt away their opponent by driving the ball down the middle. When’s golf weather going to get here? 😦 Result- The Golf Course keeps on golfing er playing basketball or whatever they do down there. They won, is what I’m trying to say.

Help. Me.

East Region Round 6

#1 Indiana vs. #9 Bill Cosby University – Indiana will lose this game if there is any justice in the world. Tom Crean deserves to lose. He’s really earned it. Result- No justice in this cruel, cruel world. The Hoosiers didn’t lose.

#5 UNLV vs. #4 Syracus – The overrated Rebels against the overrated Jim Boeheim. Who is going to live up to their expectation of falling short of expectations? Result- Syracuse exceeds our wildest dreams and crashes and burns in the sixth round!

#6 Butler vs. #14 Davidson – Butler is always a tough out in March, but the fighting Steph Curry’s haven’t lost in a while (thanks Google.) Should be a dandy matchup. Result- Butler wins when Steph Curry doesn’t play for Davidson anymore.

#7 Illinois vs. #15 Pacific Ocean – Well if a hurricane couldn’t beat the Pacific Ocean, then the state of Illinois doesn’t stand a chance. Result- This just in, the state of Illinois is so boring and dry that it has sucked up all of the Pacific Ocean. Illini stay ill. [quits]

I need a break from this or I’m going to throw up.

Midwest Region Sexy Sixteen

#9 Missouri vs. #12 Oregon Football University – If Oregon wins this one, their name will officially be changed to Seriously? Basketball? And if Mizzoo wins we all get a zoo. (fingers crossed) Result- Seriously? Basketball?

#14 Valphowarewestillinthisthing vs. #7 Cray!! – Seriously Valpo, go away. I’m really pulling for Cray!! here. Result- On the next round is CRAY!!

West Region Sexy Sixteen

#16 LULZ vs. #4 Kansas State – As likely as this matchup is to happen, something crazy always happens in March. That’s why they call it March Madness. It’s too bad though, I’d love to see LULZ take on the other team at Bill Snyder’s University. Result- Stupid Kansas State wins. Fun suckers.

#3 New Mexico vs. #2 Ohio – This is weirdly normal and somewhat expected. If New Mexico wins I’m going to have to Google what a Lobo is, so go Ohio? Result- JK LOBOS WIN AND EVERYBODY IS HAPPY!

South Region Sexy Sixteen

#1 Kansas vs. #12 Akron – This will probably happen. And K.U (U of K?) will probably win. You know what they say, that’s why we flip the coin. Result- Bill Self hammertimes his way to the next round.

#11 Minnesota vs. #15 Florida Golf Club – In light of their recent NCAA success Florida Golf Course has been upgraded to a Florida Golf Club! How riveting! Maybe they’ll become a country club if they win it all! Result- This was the craziest flip of the day as I really got a hold of the penny and it flung into parts unknown. Took me a couple minutes to find it. It was a nerve-wracking experience to say the lease, but The Golf Club pulls it off miraculously on the first playoff hole!

East Region Sexy Sixteen

#1 Indiana vs. #5 UNLV – Seriously, I just want Indiana to be out. My team has long been eliminated and now all I can hope for is a Hoosier loss. Result- Fucking coin. Hoosiers win.

#6 Butler vs. #7 Illinois – Illinois is now fully saturated from sucking up the entire Pacific Ocean last round and I’m not sure they have enough left to take down the Butts. Result- Yes they do! Illinois somehow advances. Even in a coin-flip bracket it doesn’t seem possible.

Trips to the final four are on the line! I’m going to dive into my chicken burrito now, because if there is one thing that helps food poisoning it’s more Taco Bell.

Midwest Region Eagletastic Eight

#12 Seriously? Basketball? vs. #7 CRAY!! – Find me another bracket that has this matchup and I’ll call you a fucking liar and burn that bracket right in front of you! Result- Seriously? Basketball? wins and changes their name again. This time to “REALLY?! We’re good at basketball? :(” This is Pulitzer winning shit y’all.

Here’s how the bracket shook out.

West Region Evil Eight

#4 Kansas State vs. #3 New Mexico – On my bracket it says “Aww, man. Fun suckers” vs. “What is a lobo?” Not quite sure what to make of that. Come to think of it I’m not even sure New Mexico’s mascot is a lobo, or whatever. I don’t think anybody really cares. Result- The fun suckers prevail.

Here’s this bracket.

South Region Everyman’s Eight

#1 Dyslexic Kansas vs. Florida Golf Club – Nobody likes Kansas outside of Kansas so everybody chant along with me. GOLF CLUB! GOLF CLUB! GOLF CLUB! GOLF CLUB! GOLF CLUB! Result- The dream dies as Kansas sets fire to the Golf Club and drives all of their carts into water hazards.

Here’s the South bracket.

East Region Whatever Eight

#1 Indiana vs. #7 Illinois – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET THIS COIN LAND ON TAILS. The Illini beat Indian once, so they can do it again, right? RIGHT?! Result- NO! NO! NO! SHIT NO!

And the dumb East bracket.

Way too much cilantro on that chicken burrito and I’m dead.

FINAL FOUR!!!

#12 REALLY?! We’re good at basketball?! 😦 vs. #4 Kansas State Fun Suckers – This is what my bracket has come down to and I’m embarrassed. Result- Kansas State wins and nobody cares about it, because it’s almost football time.

#1 Kansas vs. #1 Stupid Indiana – I couldn’t be more pissed that both one seeds are in the final four. Coin-flip brackets are dumb. I don’t even care anymore, but c’mon Kansas. Result- This isn’t real. Indiana moves on to the finals.

National Championship Game

#4 Kansas State vs. #1 Indiana – If I just spent two hours flipping a dumb penny, eating shitty food and writing all of this dumb bullshit for Indiana to win a COIN-FLIP bracket I’m going to break everything I own and move to Switzerland. Please. God. Result- Switzerland it is. I can’t even. I’m going to die.

I regret doing this and I hate everything. Whatever.

Here’s the final bracket.