Hello there loyal readership, and welcome to the first-annual Fantasy Baseball Draft Live Blog, hosted exclusively by the President and CEO of the “Miguel Cabreras” who currently play in “CLEVE’S LEAGUE” on ESPN. As I have never participated in a fantasy baseball league before, nor do I have much desire to do so now, I thought it would be interesting (or irelevant) to write about the draft as it is happening. I will be updating this post every once-in-a-while over the next four days (which is the average length of a fantasy baseball draft according to multiple sources close to the situation) bringing you live updates about all the stuff that I know nothing about in the fantasy baseball world.

12:11 pm

We are currently 19 minutes from draft time, and I hold the 7th pick out of 10. I still have no idea who I will select (besides Adam Dunn), though I hope Miguel Cabrera falls to me since he stole my team name for his name name. Stay tuned for updates on this breaking news report! And if you have any helpful advice, I really need it.

12:27 pm

3 minutes to draft time! Are you as excited as I’m not? I have actually been working on my national championship viewing plans for tonight instead of doing any research – “research is for turds,” according to several unnamed sources close to the situation.

12:31 pm

The draft has begun! In a stunning turn of events (actually I have no idea if it is stunning or not), team “Lexington Swagg” has selected Adrian Gonzalez. I hate the red sox more than Rick Santorum, so this was quite disappointing.

12:31:30 pm

“And with the second pick in the 2012 CLEVE’S LEAUGE draft, the BX BLAZERS select Miguel Cabrera, first basemen from the Detroit Tigers.” This was my best Roger Goodell impression, and I thought it went pretty well. I also now realize that I have lost all hope of winning the league because my team – the Miguel Cabreras – does not own Miguel Cabrera. Looks like the new name will have to be … the Adam Dunns. That sounds better anyway.

12:37 pm

I’m officially on the clock! What a rush of pure adrenaline and emotion (or is that hunger?)! Who the heck should I take? Looks like it will be either Troy Tulowitzki or Robinson Cano. In case you didn’t know this, I’m a secret Yankees fan living in Michigan, so the pick will be … Cano! I have now decided to draft exclusively Yankees for the rest of time. My hope of winning the league is restored! It has also become apparent that only 2 other gentlemen are currently logged in and live-drafting with me (the rest of our dedicated and excited league members appear to have either forgotten about the draft or have been murdered). I now feel completely like a loser – though Lexington Swagg and Team Murphy (what creativity with that team name!) can keep me company.

12:43 pm

This live blog thing is wearing me out, I’ve already polished off peanut butter and jelly sandwich number 2. Here’s how the first round played out:

1. Adrian Gonzo 2. Miguel 3. Pujols 4. Matt Kemp 5. Ryan Braun 6. Jose Bautista 7. Robinson “I’m leading the Yankees to their 28th title” Cano 8. Troy Tulowitzki 9. Jacoby Ellsbury 10. Joey Votto

In the second round, I quickly snatched up Hanley Ramirez with the 13th pick, confirming that he will have an utterly disastrous season after Reyes grabs the headlines and Ozzie yells something at him in Spanish.

12:55 pm

This fantasy draft is kicking my (pardon my french) derrière. With everyone on autopick, the draft is cruising by and I barely know who has been selected. I already have 7 players on my team (make that 8), including (barf) Lance “I won’t be good now that Pujols bolted for LA” Berkman who I accidentally picked trying to switch between writing this and making a selection. My head is spinning right now, and my team looks worse than whatever the Mets are gonna trot out this season.

1:01 pm

Too fast! I just drafted Matt Wieters! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

1:04 pm

Quick update of my team so far:

Matt Wieters (yuck), Teixeira, Cano, Ramirez, Alexei Ramirez (new team name – “Ramirez Bros” whadya think?), Paul Konerko, Berkman, Carl Crawford (WHAT!?!), Cole Hamels, Zack “Who am I?” Greinke, and Matt Garza

Aaaaand, I’m back on the clock again. This is like p90X, only more of a workout.

1:09 pm

So here’s my justification for selecting Carl Crawford with the 74th pick in the draft – this really is a win-win (I hate that expression) situation for me: either Crawford has a monster bounce-back year and proves that he can, in fact, hit a baseball (his production was so stunningly low last year that something had to be amiss), or he actually is terrible now and I can make fun of Boston fans for the rest of my life for giving this guy a $132 billion contract. In fact, I think I’d rather have the later happen. Oh, and I just picked Joel “I’ve never heard of you because you play in Pittsburgh” Hanrahan with the 127th pick. I figured this would be a good selection because I went to school with a Tommy Hanrahan and he was a decent dude (and played baseball – another win-win!)

1:12 pm

I’m desperate for a 3B and there are none in sight. The next highest rated 3B according to whatever is appearing on my “Fantasy Dashboard” right now is … (searching) … Mark Reynolds. But he plays for Baltimore and that would give me two Orioles, much more than I wanted pre-draft. Looks like I’m going to take  … Cameron Maybin, who will also suck because I have the worst luck when it comes to fantasy teams (I took Brady in the 1st round when his leg exploded in the first game a few years ago) – sorry Padres fans, if there are any of you left.

1:17 pm

Mark Reynolds was only ranked 5 spots lower than my drafting spot when I came “up to bat” (a baseball expression) in the billionth round – but my boy Nick Swisher was starring me in the face (closet Yankees fan, remember). So I threw caution to the wind and took Swisher, hoping that Martin Prado would fall to me with the 167th pick (I’m sure I’ve heard that before)

1:18 pm

Prado and Reynolds taken 163 and 164, respectively. That worked out well. Now my 3B is … Brandon Inge?

1:22 pm

Edwin Encarnacion’s name keeps creeping towards me in the draft line (the 202nd ranked player according to whoever has time to rank 202 baseball players). That makes me want to puke, though not as much as selecting “Chris Sale,” RP for the Chicago White Sox. I’m putting together quite the rotation, complete with Carlos Marm … wait, I don’t want him! I’ll take Josh Willingham with the 194th pick! If you’re in Vegas loyal readership, make sure you put down $100 on Marmol to win the NL Cy Young.

1:29 pm

“Gavin Floyd held [somebody] scoreless in 5 innings yesterday” according to ESPN. Sign him up as pick 207. Next up, Auto pick suggests I take … gulp … Encarnacion. Well, at least I tried hard this season. Sign him up too (long sigh).

1:31 pm

You won’t believe it loyal readership, Adam Dunn is still available. The man I joked about roughly 18 hours ago at the top of this blog (it feels more like 18 days) is riding up the list towards my team at pick 227. It’s either him or Yoenis Cespedes (I wish my name was Yoenis). I’m now on the clock, so it’s gonna be … Dunn! What the heck, he’s gotta do better this year, right? I now have 3 white sox filling up the roster, woot woot!

1:34 pm

Two picks to go, folks! If you have been following every word of this live blog with me today, then you seriously need something better to do (join your own Fantasy Baseball League!). I’m going to go ahead and gobble up Ryan Raburn with the 234th pick. Sleeper alert!!!! One more pick to go …

1:38 pm

Whoever Kenley Jansen is, he is the last member of the 2012 Miguel Cabreras (I really need to change that). And after Mr. Irrelevant is selected (Aroldis Chapman, not too bad actually), our draft is complete. I now have carpal tunnel (I had to look up how to spell that) and I have read more baseball names (that I have never head before) in the last 68 minutes than in my entire 22 years of existence combined.

1:44 pm

Here’s my final notes for the draft: 1. Carl Crawford is out 2 weeks recovering from wrist surgery. I had no idea. I hate myself (I picked him 74th). 2. Kenley Jansen is only owned in 55% of ESPN fantasy leagues! Come on people, this is Kenley Jansen! 3. I’m sticking with the name “Miguel Cabreras,” hoping this will trick our league commissioner into moving him onto my roster. 4. Adam Dunn is my secret to success this year (I’m only 95% kidding about that).

Well that does it loyal readership. 1 hour and 16 minutes after it began, and I have a 9th place fantasy baseball league team (I can beat somebody, I know it). I already have 44.5 points somehow (I have no idea how), good enough for 7th in the league! I’ve offically run out of things to write for Put Away the Whistle for the next 3 months, so keep selecting us in your Google search and I’ll see you in August! Till next time loyal readership

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Dan “Fantasy Baseball Expert” Etz