1-3-1 Fantasy Baseball Draft Results

Miguel’s Tequila Bar (Zach Tanton)
1. (1) Miguel Cabrera(Det – 1B)
2. (20) Tim Lincecum(SF – SP)
3. (21) Ian Kinsler(Tex – 2B)
4. (40) Pablo Sandoval(SF – 1B,3B)
5. (41) Hunter Pence(Phi – OF)
6. (60) Asdrubal Cabrera(Cle – SS)
7. (61) Michael Cuddyer(Col – 1B,2B,OF)
8. (80) Jason Heyward(Atl – OF)
9. (81) C.J. Wilson(LAA – SP)
10. (100) Joe Mauer(Min – C,1B)
11. (101) Brian Wilson(SF – RP)
12. (120) Shaun Marcum(Mil – SP)
13. (121) Nick Swisher(NYY – 1B,OF)
14. (140) Ervin Santana(LAA – SP)
15. (141) Chris Young(Ari – OF)
16. (160) Doug Fister(Det – SP)
17. (161) Joe Nathan(Tex – RP)
18. (180) Carlos Peña(TB – 1B)
19. (181) Alfredo Aceves(Bos – SP,RP)
20. (200) Yadier Molina(StL – C)
21. (201) Matt Joyce(TB – OF)
The Parkman Shimmy (Joe Cook)
1. (2) Matt Kemp(LAD – OF)
2. (19) Cliff Lee(Phi – SP)
3. (22) Curtis Granderson(NYY – OF)
4. (39) Starlin Castro(ChC – SS)
5. (42) David Price(TB – SP)
6. (59) Michael Young(Tex – 1B,2B,3B)
7. (62) Brandon Phillips(Cin – 2B)
8. (79) Ian Kennedy(Ari – SP)
9. (82) Jonathan Papelbon(Phi – RP)
10. (99) Carlos Beltrán(StL – OF)
11. (102) Miguel Montero(Ari – C)
12. (119) Emilio Bonifacio(Mia – 3B,SS,OF)
13. (122) J.J. Putz(Ari – RP)
14. (139) Anibal Sánchez(Mia – SP)
15. (142) Carlos Mármol(ChC – RP)
16. (159) J.J. Hardy(Bal – SS)
17. (162) Hiroki Kuroda(NYY – SP)
18. (179) Jhonny Peralta(Det – SS)
19. (182) Torii Hunter(LAA – OF)
20. (199) Colby Lewis(Tex – SP)
21. (202) Neftali Feliz(Tex – RP)
Agamemnon (Codie Shovan)
1. (3) Albert Pujols(LAA – 1B)
2. (18) Dustin Pedroia(Bos – 2B)
3. (23) José Reyes(Mia – SS)
4. (38) Matt Holliday(StL – OF)
5. (43) Desmond Jennings(TB – OF)
6. (58) Jon Lester(Bos – SP)
7. (63) Kevin Youkilis(Bos – 1B,3B)
8. (78) Buster Posey(SF – C)
9. (83) Lance Berkman(StL – 1B,OF)
10. (98) Daniel Hudson(Ari – SP)
11. (103) Mat Latos(Cin – SP)
12. (118) Logan Morrison(Mia – OF)
13. (123) Michael Pineda(NYY – SP)
14. (138) Cory Luebke(SD – SP,RP)
15. (143) Rafael Betancourt(Col – RP)
16. (158) Ted Lilly(LAD – SP)
17. (163) Javy Guerra(LAD – RP)
18. (178) Peter Bourjos(LAA – OF)
19. (183) Jemile Weeks(Oak – 2B)
20. (198) Colby Rasmus(Tor – OF)
21. (203) Mike Moustakas(KC – 3B)
Harvey’s Wallbangers (Alex Freeman)
1. (4) Troy Tulowitzki(Col – SS)
2. (17) Roy Halladay(Phi – SP)
3. (24) Andrew McCutchen(Pit – OF)
4. (37) Zack Greinke(Mil – SP)
5. (44) Mike Napoli(Tex – C,1B)
6. (57) Yovani Gallardo(Mil – SP)
7. (64) Eric Hosmer(KC – 1B)
8. (77) Rickie Weeks(Mil – 2B)
9. (84) Adam Jones(Bal – OF)
10. (97) Carl Crawford(Bos – OF)
11. (104) Freddie Freeman(Atl – 1B)
12. (117) Brett Gardner(NYY – OF)
13. (124) David Freese(StL – 3B)
14. (137) Billy Butler(KC – 1B)
15. (144) Max Scherzer(Det – SP)
16. (157) Brandon League(Sea – RP)
17. (164) Jhoulys Chacin(Col – SP)
18. (177) Grant Balfour(Oak – RP)
19. (184) Delmon Young(Det – OF)
20. (197) Jim Johnson(Bal – RP)
21. (204) Ryan Roberts(Ari – 2B,3B)
myPujolsburns (Matt Kehoe)
1. (5) José Bautista(Tor – 3B,OF)
2. (16) Clayton Kershaw(LAD – SP)
3. (25) Hanley Ramírez(Mia – SS)
4. (36) Jered Weaver(LAA – SP)
5. (45) Álex Rodríguez(NYY – 3B)
6. (56) Matt Cain(SF – SP)
7. (65) Shin-Soo Choo(Cle – OF)
8. (76) Shane Victorino(Phi – OF)
9. (85) Yu Darvish(Tex – SP)
10. (96) Drew Stubbs(Cin – OF)
11. (105) Matt Wieters(Bal – C)
12. (116) Paul Goldschmidt(Ari – 1B)
13. (125) Joel Hanrahan(Pit – RP)
14. (136) Jason Kipnis(Cle – 2B)
15. (145) Chris Carpenter(StL – SP)
16. (156) Huston Street(SD – RP)
17. (165) Kyle Farnsworth(TB – RP)
18. (176) Adam Lind(Tor – 1B)
19. (185) Coco Crisp(Oak – OF)
20. (196) Kendrys Morales(LAA – 1B,OF)
21. (205) Ian Desmond(Was – SS)
Milwaukee Beers (Anthony Walker)
1. (6) Ryan Braun(Mil – OF)
2. (15) Jacoby Ellsbury(Bos – OF)
3. (26) Mark Teixeira(NYY – 1B)
4. (35) Nelson Cruz(Tex – OF)
5. (46) Carlos Santana(Cle – C,1B)
6. (55) Ben Zobrist(TB – 2B,OF)
7. (66) Alex Gordon(KC – OF)
8. (75) Mariano Rivera(NYY – RP)
9. (86) John Axford(Mil – RP)
10. (95) Matt Garza(ChC – SP)
11. (106) Derek Jeter(NYY – SS)
12. (115) Jordan Zimmermann(Was – SP)
13. (126) Ricky Romero(Tor – SP)
14. (135) Jordan Walden(LAA – RP)
15. (146) Martín Prado(Atl – 3B,OF)
16. (155) Johnny Cueto(Cin – SP)
17. (166) Wandy Rodríguez(Hou – SP)
18. (175) Jesus Montero(Sea – Util)
19. (186) Austin Jackson(Det – OF)
20. (195) Brennan Boesch(Det – OF)
21. (206) Derek Holland(Tex – SP)
Henry Rowengartner (Dan Stone)
1. (7) Joey Votto(Cin – 1B)
2. (14) Evan Longoria(TB – 3B)
3. (27) Giancarlo Stanton(Mia – OF)
4. (34) Cole Hamels(Phi – SP)
5. (47) Brett Lawrie(Tor – 3B)
6. (54) Jay Bruce(Cin – OF)
7. (67) Michael Morse(Was – 1B,OF)
8. (74) Madison Bumgarner(SF – SP)
9. (87) Matt Moore(TB – RP)
10. (94) Adam Wainwright(StL – SP)
11. (107) Tommy Hanson(Atl – SP)
12. (114) Brandon Beachy(Atl – SP)
13. (127) José Valverde(Det – RP)
14. (134) Alexei Ramírez(CWS – SS)
15. (147) Dustin Ackley(Sea – 2B)
16. (154) Jason Motte(StL – RP)
17. (167) J.P. Arencibia(Tor – C)
18. (174) Nick Markakis(Bal – OF)
19. (187) Neil Walker(Pit – 2B)
20. (194) Lucas Duda(NYM – 1B,OF)
21. (207) Álex Ríos(CWS – OF)
Oscar Meyer Weiters (Dan Etz)
1. (8) Robinson Canó(NYY – 2B)
2. (13) Carlos González(Col – OF)
3. (28) Adrián Béltre(Tex – 3B)
4. (33) Ryan Zimmerman(Was – 3B)
5. (48) Dan Haren(LAA – SP)
6. (53) Paul Konerko(CWS – 1B)
7. (68) B.J. Upton(TB – OF)
8. (73) Jimmy Rollins(Phi – SS)
9. (88) James Shields(TB – SP)
10. (93) Drew Storen(Was – RP)
11. (108) Jayson Werth(Was – OF)
12. (113) Heath Bell(Mia – RP)
13. (128) Andrew Bailey(Bos – RP)
14. (133) Brandon Morrow(Tor – SP)
15. (148) Jaime García(StL – SP)
16. (153) Ryan Dempster(ChC – SP)
17. (168) Geovany Soto(ChC – C)
18. (173) Ike Davis(NYM – 1B)
19. (188) Erick Aybar(LAA – SS)
20. (193) Dexter Fowler(Col – OF)
21. (208) Jose Tabata(Pit – OF)
Team Joan Baez (Pat McCallum)
1. (9) Prince Fielder(Det – 1B)
2. (12) Justin Verlander(Det – SP)
3. (29) CC Sabathia(NYY – SP)
4. (32) David Wright(NYM – 3B)
5. (49) Elvis Andrus(Tex – SS)
6. (52) Craig Kimbrel(Atl – RP)
7. (69) Michael Bourn(Atl – OF)
8. (72) Howie Kendrick(LAA – 1B,2B,OF)
9. (89) Ichiro Suzuki(Sea – OF)
10. (92) Alex Avila(Det – C)
11. (109) Josh Johnson(Mia – SP)
12. (112) Corey Hart(Mil – OF)
13. (129) Josh Beckett(Bos – SP)
14. (132) David Ortiz(Bos – Util)
15. (149) Ryan Madson(Cin – RP)
16. (152) Joakim Soria(KC – RP)
17. (169) Tim Hudson(Atl – SP)
18. (172) Mark Reynolds(Bal – 1B,3B)
19. (189) Jeff Francoeur(KC – OF)
20. (192) Yunel Escobar(Tor – SS)
21. (209) Chris Pérez(Cle – RP)
Shave Your Furbush (Wil Hunter)
1. (10) Adrián González(Bos – 1B)
2. (11) Justin Upton(Ari – OF)
3. (30) Félix Hernández(Sea – SP)
4. (31) Josh Hamilton(Tex – OF)
5. (50) Dan Uggla(Atl – 2B)
6. (51) Stephen Strasburg(Was – SP)
7. (70) Brian McCann(Atl – C)
8. (71) Aramis Ramírez(Mil – 3B)
9. (90) Yoenis Céspedes(Oak – OF)
10. (91) Dee Gordon(LAD – SS)
11. (110) Andre Ethier(LAD – OF)
12. (111) Gio González(Was – SP)
13. (130) Cameron Maybin(SD – OF)
14. (131) Ubaldo Jiménez(Cle – SP)
15. (150) Sergio Santos(Tor – RP)
16. (151) Jeremy Hellickson(TB – SP)
17. (170) Ryan Howard(Phi – 1B)
18. (171) Melky Cabrera(SF – OF)
19. (190) Frank Francisco(NYM – RP)
20. (191) Aroldis Chapman(Cin – RP)
21. (210) Chase Utley(Phi – 2B)

Fantasy Baseball Action Blog!

Can't wait!

Hello there loyal readership, and welcome to the first-annual Fantasy Baseball Draft Live Blog, hosted exclusively by the President and CEO of the “Miguel Cabreras” who currently play in “CLEVE’S LEAGUE” on ESPN. As I have never participated in a fantasy baseball league before, nor do I have much desire to do so now, I thought it would be interesting (or irelevant) to write about the draft as it is happening. I will be updating this post every once-in-a-while over the next four days (which is the average length of a fantasy baseball draft according to multiple sources close to the situation) bringing you live updates about all the stuff that I know nothing about in the fantasy baseball world.

12:11 pm

We are currently 19 minutes from draft time, and I hold the 7th pick out of 10. I still have no idea who I will select (besides Adam Dunn), though I hope Miguel Cabrera falls to me since he stole my team name for his name name. Stay tuned for updates on this breaking news report! And if you have any helpful advice, I really need it.

12:27 pm

3 minutes to draft time! Are you as excited as I’m not? I have actually been working on my national championship viewing plans for tonight instead of doing any research – “research is for turds,” according to several unnamed sources close to the situation.

12:31 pm

The draft has begun! In a stunning turn of events (actually I have no idea if it is stunning or not), team “Lexington Swagg” has selected Adrian Gonzalez. I hate the red sox more than Rick Santorum, so this was quite disappointing.

12:31:30 pm

“And with the second pick in the 2012 CLEVE’S LEAUGE draft, the BX BLAZERS select Miguel Cabrera, first basemen from the Detroit Tigers.” This was my best Roger Goodell impression, and I thought it went pretty well. I also now realize that I have lost all hope of winning the league because my team – the Miguel Cabreras – does not own Miguel Cabrera. Looks like the new name will have to be … the Adam Dunns. That sounds better anyway.

12:37 pm

I’m officially on the clock! What a rush of pure adrenaline and emotion (or is that hunger?)! Who the heck should I take? Looks like it will be either Troy Tulowitzki or Robinson Cano. In case you didn’t know this, I’m a secret Yankees fan living in Michigan, so the pick will be … Cano! I have now decided to draft exclusively Yankees for the rest of time. My hope of winning the league is restored! It has also become apparent that only 2 other gentlemen are currently logged in and live-drafting with me (the rest of our dedicated and excited league members appear to have either forgotten about the draft or have been murdered). I now feel completely like a loser – though Lexington Swagg and Team Murphy (what creativity with that team name!) can keep me company.

12:43 pm

This live blog thing is wearing me out, I’ve already polished off peanut butter and jelly sandwich number 2. Here’s how the first round played out:

1. Adrian Gonzo 2. Miguel 3. Pujols 4. Matt Kemp 5. Ryan Braun 6. Jose Bautista 7. Robinson “I’m leading the Yankees to their 28th title” Cano 8. Troy Tulowitzki 9. Jacoby Ellsbury 10. Joey Votto

In the second round, I quickly snatched up Hanley Ramirez with the 13th pick, confirming that he will have an utterly disastrous season after Reyes grabs the headlines and Ozzie yells something at him in Spanish.

12:55 pm

This fantasy draft is kicking my (pardon my french) derrière. With everyone on autopick, the draft is cruising by and I barely know who has been selected. I already have 7 players on my team (make that 8), including (barf) Lance “I won’t be good now that Pujols bolted for LA” Berkman who I accidentally picked trying to switch between writing this and making a selection. My head is spinning right now, and my team looks worse than whatever the Mets are gonna trot out this season.

1:01 pm

Too fast! I just drafted Matt Wieters! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

1:04 pm

Quick update of my team so far:

Matt Wieters (yuck), Teixeira, Cano, Ramirez, Alexei Ramirez (new team name – “Ramirez Bros” whadya think?), Paul Konerko, Berkman, Carl Crawford (WHAT!?!), Cole Hamels, Zack “Who am I?” Greinke, and Matt Garza

Aaaaand, I’m back on the clock again. This is like p90X, only more of a workout.

1:09 pm

So here’s my justification for selecting Carl Crawford with the 74th pick in the draft – this really is a win-win (I hate that expression) situation for me: either Crawford has a monster bounce-back year and proves that he can, in fact, hit a baseball (his production was so stunningly low last year that something had to be amiss), or he actually is terrible now and I can make fun of Boston fans for the rest of my life for giving this guy a $132 billion contract. In fact, I think I’d rather have the later happen. Oh, and I just picked Joel “I’ve never heard of you because you play in Pittsburgh” Hanrahan with the 127th pick. I figured this would be a good selection because I went to school with a Tommy Hanrahan and he was a decent dude (and played baseball – another win-win!)

1:12 pm

I’m desperate for a 3B and there are none in sight. The next highest rated 3B according to whatever is appearing on my “Fantasy Dashboard” right now is … (searching) … Mark Reynolds. But he plays for Baltimore and that would give me two Orioles, much more than I wanted pre-draft. Looks like I’m going to take  … Cameron Maybin, who will also suck because I have the worst luck when it comes to fantasy teams (I took Brady in the 1st round when his leg exploded in the first game a few years ago) – sorry Padres fans, if there are any of you left.

1:17 pm

Mark Reynolds was only ranked 5 spots lower than my drafting spot when I came “up to bat” (a baseball expression) in the billionth round – but my boy Nick Swisher was starring me in the face (closet Yankees fan, remember). So I threw caution to the wind and took Swisher, hoping that Martin Prado would fall to me with the 167th pick (I’m sure I’ve heard that before)

1:18 pm

Prado and Reynolds taken 163 and 164, respectively. That worked out well. Now my 3B is … Brandon Inge?

1:22 pm

Edwin Encarnacion’s name keeps creeping towards me in the draft line (the 202nd ranked player according to whoever has time to rank 202 baseball players). That makes me want to puke, though not as much as selecting “Chris Sale,” RP for the Chicago White Sox. I’m putting together quite the rotation, complete with Carlos Marm … wait, I don’t want him! I’ll take Josh Willingham with the 194th pick! If you’re in Vegas loyal readership, make sure you put down $100 on Marmol to win the NL Cy Young.

1:29 pm

“Gavin Floyd held [somebody] scoreless in 5 innings yesterday” according to ESPN. Sign him up as pick 207. Next up, Auto pick suggests I take … gulp … Encarnacion. Well, at least I tried hard this season. Sign him up too (long sigh).

1:31 pm

You won’t believe it loyal readership, Adam Dunn is still available. The man I joked about roughly 18 hours ago at the top of this blog (it feels more like 18 days) is riding up the list towards my team at pick 227. It’s either him or Yoenis Cespedes (I wish my name was Yoenis). I’m now on the clock, so it’s gonna be … Dunn! What the heck, he’s gotta do better this year, right? I now have 3 white sox filling up the roster, woot woot!

1:34 pm

Two picks to go, folks! If you have been following every word of this live blog with me today, then you seriously need something better to do (join your own Fantasy Baseball League!). I’m going to go ahead and gobble up Ryan Raburn with the 234th pick. Sleeper alert!!!! One more pick to go …

1:38 pm

Whoever Kenley Jansen is, he is the last member of the 2012 Miguel Cabreras (I really need to change that). And after Mr. Irrelevant is selected (Aroldis Chapman, not too bad actually), our draft is complete. I now have carpal tunnel (I had to look up how to spell that) and I have read more baseball names (that I have never head before) in the last 68 minutes than in my entire 22 years of existence combined.

1:44 pm

Here’s my final notes for the draft: 1. Carl Crawford is out 2 weeks recovering from wrist surgery. I had no idea. I hate myself (I picked him 74th). 2. Kenley Jansen is only owned in 55% of ESPN fantasy leagues! Come on people, this is Kenley Jansen! 3. I’m sticking with the name “Miguel Cabreras,” hoping this will trick our league commissioner into moving him onto my roster. 4. Adam Dunn is my secret to success this year (I’m only 95% kidding about that).

Well that does it loyal readership. 1 hour and 16 minutes after it began, and I have a 9th place fantasy baseball league team (I can beat somebody, I know it). I already have 44.5 points somehow (I have no idea how), good enough for 7th in the league! I’ve offically run out of things to write for Put Away the Whistle for the next 3 months, so keep selecting us in your Google search and I’ll see you in August! Till next time loyal readership

Here's the final roster, come on Adam Dunn!

_____________________________________________________________

Dan “Fantasy Baseball Expert” Etz

NFL’s Decision on Sean Payton

Mr. Goodell in all his glory

In a breaking news bulletin exclusively obtained by the CEO of Put Away the Whistle Sports Blog and home-shopping website, our sources indicate that Roger Goodell has handed down a new ruling in the Sean Payton bounty-program scandal. Commissioner Goodell has decided to eliminate the year-long suspension of Payton if Sean agrees to allow the league to place a bounty of $1,000,000 for the first person to punch Payton in the face. Sources close to Goodell refused to confirm or deny this report, though Payton has reportedly said that his face is worth “well upwards of $2,000,000.”

Haha! Good morning sports fans! In order to get “with it,” as the kids are saying these days, and to boost site views (8 in the last 48 hours? Come on loyal readership!) I decided to engage in a little April Fool’s Day slight-of-hand. It turns out that the above paragraph is what we in the sports writing business refer to as “the ole switch-eroo.” I wrote something that was only 87% true in order to “joke” with the loyal readers of this sports blog. Man, did my editors love that idea!

The truth of the matter is, I received dozens of letters from adoring fans asking if I would engage in any April Fool’s Day hi-jinx. Take the following letter I received from alert reader Dave Goostofian from Kennebunkport, Maine:

“Dan, love the blog! Will you be giving the readers of Put Away the Whistle any sort of April 1st treat?” – Dave Goostofian

Great question Dave! I considered pulling some sort of hilarious prank on the unsuspecting blog-o-sphere, which would ultimately lead to millions of laughs and a television deal for me to produce a show with Ashton Kutcher. However, after giving it several seconds of intense thought, I realized that practical jokes are a way of life. I don’t need a specific day to fool everyone with a fake Sean Payton article to boost readership, I can do that every single day of the year. That is why I am writing this article not on April Fool’s Day, but the day after (not because I forgot yesterday was April Fool’s Day, panicked, and decided to write my column a day late). I live everyday like it is April Fool’s Day – as difficult and challenging as that may seem.

So in response to Dave and the millions of letters I received begging for an epic prank via Put Away the Whistle, I have to politely decline. Yet do not lose hope, for you never know when I might write something completely ridiculous.

In other, much more exciting news, Put Away the Whistle is currently the FIRST (that’s right – FIRST!!!) item that comes up when you Google “put away the whistle.” Take that Omar! In a close second is … Put Away the Whistle! That’s correct loyal readership, we currently own the top two spots in a Google Search! Please uncork your champagne and place the pigs-in-a-blanket in the oven (as we all have done here at PATW headquarters). Below you will see a snapshot of our triumph:

Woot-woot!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I realize that you are all extremely alert and dedicated readers of Put Away the Whistle, and the news that we own the top two spots in a Google search is likely old lunch meat as far as you’re concerned (I’m literally giddy! ESPN here we come!). I thought it may be worth congratulating the writer whose article appears in both of the Google items. Let’s find out who that is by taking a gander at the above snapshot. Take the aforementioned gander now …

Welcome back. It appears that the articles were written by a “Dan Etz,” who appears to be … me! Congratulations Dan! I don’t want to blow this out of proportion, but you appear to be following in the footsteps of Woody Paige (I can’t wait to stick it to Tony Reali)! Now I would never want to “toot” my own “horn” (at least not in public), but it appears that my quick wit and cutting-edge journalism have lifted Put Away the Whistle from the 18th item in a Google Search to the top two items combined. Don’t look now editors, but someone may be in line for a handsome raise (and a company car – I’m just sayin).

Anywho, since you loyal readers obviously cannot get enough of me, I have decided to quench your thirst by providing live updates from my Fantasy Baseball Draft that occurs today at 12:30 pm. That’s right, in roughly 45 minutes, you will be treated to the finest up-to-the-minute commentary on a fantasy draft that no one in America cares about except for the 10 losers who have time to hold a draft at 12:30 on a Monday. If you are wondering what the heck I am talking about, please see my first-ever emmy-nominated column on Put Away the Whistle: “Welcoming myself to the blog-o-sphere.”

My team, the “Miguel Cabreras,” currently owns the 7th pick in the draft and I have absolutely no idea who to take. All I have is a gut that is telling me Adam Dunn is gonna have a monster year! Read all about the draft in my next post – till then loyal readership.

____________________________________________________________

Dan “I-own-the-top-two-spots-in-a-google-search” Etz

Welcoming myself to the Blog-o-sphere

I’m pretty bad at blogging. I know this because I forgot my password for WordPress two days after I created an account and had to spend 30 minutes entering random names from my life (always the best passwords, ask your bank) along with my old high school jersey numbers until I picked the winning combination. I also know this because I started my first-ever blog post with “I’m pretty bad at blogging,” the ultimate hook for potential readers. Yet here I am, already writing for a blog that is the 18th item that pops up when you Google “put away the whistle,” just below an article from sports illustrated on Omar Moreno “the swift centerfielder with the whistle-tooting wife.” If I could ever be described as a swift anything with a whistle-tooting wife (whatever that is), my life will officially be complete.

There we are!

Ever since I was offered a contract by Put Away the Whistle, I have engaged in lively self-debate over what my first blog post should focus on. The heated internal debates usually go something like this:

Me: “You could write about … sports …

Me: “That’s too predictable, what about Omar Moreno?”

Me: “Wait, the centerfielder with the whistle-tooting wife? That’s great!”

After this mental struggle, I usually fall asleep on the couch watching another episode of the Highlight Express on ESPNNews (which is much better than any other programming on the 4-letter network). Well, today was different, because today I finally decided on what to write about – a topic that will galvanize readers and excite the youth, a topic too poignant for Tom Rinaldi, a topic even bigger than Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin combined – I’m talking, of course, about fantasy baseball.

I recently became an “ESPN In-sider,” proving that I can come up with the most creative avenues to waste $3.33 a month. I now have access to some of the best articles on the internet that I will never read, such as “Samardzija a good rotation gamble,” and “Previewing El Tri’s match vs. Canada.” As I was sifting through this Eden of sports-writing, I noticed that “in” recommended that I become the proud owner of an ESPN Fantasy Baseball franchise. I figure that if Magic Johnson can pay $2 billion (what a steal!) for a team as bad as the Dodgers, I can sign up for a public ESPN Fantasy Baseball league. So without giving it a second thought, I selected the first public league with a draft post 11 am. The league is named “CLEVE’S LEAGUE,” which I’m guessing pays homage to Cleveland, cleavage, or both. I should let everyone know that I have zero experience with fantasy baseball, and only signed up because my caffeine-charged eyeballs noticed the flashing advertisement on the computer screen (I probably would have signed up for fantasy gardening if there had been a similar flashing advertisement). With a few easy clicks, I joined the ranks of teams with names like “team cleondre brosefs” (whose owner I would be scared to meet in an alleyway), and “JC Seam Heads” (whose owner I could beat up in an alleyway).

After I signed up, I was immediately asked for a team name. This posed the first big problem of the day (the second problem occurred when I realized that I now play fantasy baseball), as my team name would either strike fear into my opponents hearts, or cause them to leave the league because “Oscar Meyer Wieters” had joined. After realizing that the other members of CLEVE’S LEAGUE could see my location in Michigan, I decided on a crowd pleaser: the “Miguel Cabreras.” This was my attempt to make everyone think “wow, he’s from Michigan and he likes Miguel Cabrera! What a great guy!” I didn’t want to pick any name that would reveal my true baseball allegiance to the Yankees, such as “Hip hip, Jorge!” or “Mark Teixeira sucks in April.” I truly believed that a Yankee-themed name would cause everyone to think “wow, he’s from Michigan and he likes the Yankees! What a jagweed!”

After exploring the team I would begin to ignore after the second week of April (when baseball get’s boring again), I realized another predicament: my avatar, the picture my league-mates would see each time they clicked on my team to laugh at my roster, was horrifying. ESPN provided me with a gray baseball cap in front of a gray background – literally the worst thing I have ever seen. What would team cleondre brosefs think? Would I be cast out of the fantasy baseball society back into the world of normal, successful Americans? My current avatar looks like this:

Lame-o

My goal before the league draft (3 days, 16 hours, 18 min, and 53 seconds until I forget that is happening) is to find the best avatar to let these guys know that I mean serious fantasy-baseball business. I’m thinking something with Omar Moreno’s whistle-tooting wife.
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Author: Dan Etz